I wrote this piece at a particularly low point in my life in 1983 when I was experiencing a lot of self-inflicted stress. I won’t go into the detail behind it, but it was clear that elements of my life were not going well and that something needed to change.

 

During that phase of my life, I was engaged in a discussion between "myselves", the first self leaning toward caution and rational logic in decision making, and the second being a more impulsive and self-indulgent form of me.

 

It was a protracted period of my life, spanning several years in which I completely lost myself within that chaotic youthful cocktail of experimentation, self-gratification, and rebellion - all of which were enabled by too much free time, access to money (as I was starting my working life), and a desire to explore lifes' complex multi-verse after years of self-control and education.

 

My problem was embedded in an inability to say no, as and when needed, to moderate my whims and desires, and anticipate the future ramifications of my actions both on myself and to others.

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I had lost control of myself and it carried consequences. In short, I went from hero to zero in no time at all. I faced difficult situations and was forced to make serious adjustments to rebuild my life.

 

This was not a good time in my life - I became sad, somewhat withdrawn, introspective, and consumed by what I saw as a free-fall decline in who I was as a person. My very character had altered and I had to confront myself - my decision making, my attitude, my goals, and my friends/acquaintances. I had stopped listening to my own counsel and had relegated responsibility to others.

 

Writing this poem allowed me to wrestle myselves to the ground, to pin them down, and examine my failings through honest introspection. To physically audit where I was in life relative to where I wanted to be. I fell short on every level.

 

Thinking through issues and writing during this time became a key part of my healing process. I have remained safely tied to the words in this poem over many years - as a deep-set anchor in a never-ending storm - and I revisit them often.